A Little Mayonnaise with my White Supremacist Sentiments Please

There was a particularly pathetic opinion piece published this weekend. Written by Sandy Hingston in Philadelphia Magazine the trash was titled: “How Millennials Killed Mayonnaise.”

One, what an annoying headline. If it starts with “How Millennials Killed,” you can be sure it’s trash unless of course it someday ends with something like Nazis, the KKK, White Supremacy, or the GOP. Framing these generational differences as if generations exist in defined blocks and as if those blocks act together with intention and spite to reject tradition is stupid.

So, is mayo dying? Not really, sales being down 6.7% over the last five years doesn’t quite equate to the sky falling. That doesn’t stop our author though, after all she wouldn’t be a proud conservative without proudly dismissing factual evidence for some good old fashioned anecdote:

Mom’s extraordinary potato salad — fragrant with dill, spiced by celery seed — went untouched on the picnic table. So did her macaroni salad, and her chicken salad, and her deviled eggs. … When I carted home a good three pounds of painstakingly prepared Waldorf salad — all that peeling and coring and slicing! — I was forced to face facts: The family’s tastes had changed.

Ya. Her sides aren’t killing it at the potluck anymore! Shame millennial! Shame!

So people aren’t eating mayo salad suspensions anymore, surely we can’t extrapolate that into anything too weird. Wait a second, it must be this darn PC culture we’re all forced to live in.

My son Jake, who’s 25, eats mayo. He’s a practical young man who works in computers and adores macaroni salad. He’s a good son. I also have a daughter. She was a women’s and gender studies major in college. Naturally, she loathes mayonnaise.

Naturally.

If only we could return to the days when all children uniformly loved salads made of 95% mayo and no one studied stupid things like gender.

Mayonnaise isn’t bland; it’s artfully blended. It’s an evocation of the era I grew up in, of the homogeneity of that old, dead American dream.

So a dog whistle then. Called it. “Homogeneity?” For some reason I don’t think we’re talking about mayonnaise anymore. Perhaps we are talking about another kind of homogeneity, one that’s the same color as mayo?

Oh shit, she goes there. The fake news media controlled by the SJW leftist millennial fringe killed mayonnaise. It was a hit orchestrated by BuzzFeed which featured two articles about why mayo is bad. It’s nothing less than discrimination against a group that that has suffered more than any other since the beginning of time: white baby boomers:

I thought young people today were supposed to be all about inclusion — about kindness and compassion and making other people feel welcome. So how about you include a little mayo in your picnic fare?

Mayo isn’t dying you wretched old white supremacist. That Wall Street Journal story I linked earlier on the decline of mayo, it also points out that mayo is still America’s favorite condiment. Beating ketchup by a good 200 million pounds a year.

One final quote:

This attitude comes to you from young people who willingly slurp down eight kazillion kinds of yogurt, not to mention raw fish and pork belly and, yo, detergent pods, so don’t talk to me about mayonnaise

Oh, fuck off Sandy.

You can’t even read an article about something as harmless as mayo these days without it including a dog whistle to racists.

If I wanted spicy mayo, I’d reach for some of this.

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